Did you know depression is dark, cold, and is filled with so much sorrow? I was there once and I know how depressing life can be at that stage. I still could remember that I only ate one meal per day, locked myself up in the room and sleep is my best pal. I wanted to sleep so much that I never wanted to wake up from it. Hmm, it is kind of scary to really reflect back on the negative action that caused me self-harm. Ewww... that chills it gives me as I write this! Scary !!!
Furthermore, it was stupid for me to do so and there was once I nearly ended my life but the laughter from my siblings made me stop and thought of my action. It made me questioned, will they be happy after I am gone? I was scared and Facebook was the only way back then I could post my negative thoughts and hoped someone can save me.
Soon, a great friend of mine noticed something weird on my postings. She messages me and asked me if I am ok? She even called in to check on me too and that was when I started to feel some weight in me has just disappeared. I cried and asked her if my life was fair. I asked if that was how a relationship was supposed to end? I never wanted to lose someone who gave me so much, build me up, and then left without saying goodbye. That is so sad and it kills me so much back then. She meant the world to me and the moment I realized she is gone, I have no future to look into. I have nothing to support me to stand for myself.
Once she understood my situation, she was the first person to asked me out and persuaded me to meet her. Her name is Cindy. It was that day, she introduced me to a guy who I never thought that could end up being a mentor to me. His name is Sensei Franky. I met both of them in the dojo at One Stop, Midlands ( 2016). As soon, I stepped into the dojo, Sensei Franky introduced himself to me and I did the same. He told me to share what has been bothering me with him and he will do his best to provide me some guidance.
It took me 4 hours to blurt out my first thoughts while he painted his miniature from Warhammer 40k. After that, I let out my other thoughts once I felt comfortable and safe. Once I have done my part , I felt much better and felt that there was someone that could listen to me. He then shared with me a few wisdom that helped me with my questions. It wasn't enough to help me to get out of depression but for the next 1.5 years, he was there for me. He took me out, gave me wisdom, helped me find my courage and told me to be patient. She will eventually come back when the time is right. I didn't believe in him back then but after realizing that I have to let go of my old life and start fresh, it will allow me to become a better person and hopefully find myself in a better position in the future than I was. That one night in Karpal Singh was the night I awaken myself from being depressed and accepted the fate that she is gone.
While I was in the midst of healing from depression, I told myself that I wanted to find my purpose in life. I somehow felt there was something in me after being awakened from my depression. I went on and searched for my answer by being active in college. I joined as many activities as I can find both in public and in college. I joined so many activities that gave me the exposure I needed in my life that helped me find my answer after 1.5 years. I was an active volunteer for an animal NGO, Tzu Chi, Penang Green COuncil, human trafficking organizations, joined MUN, volunteered for special needs home and also WCC, tried beFriends and many more .
My answer was = A passion for the environment.
After I have found my passion, not long after that, I found my calling. It was to be a social entrepreneur because of the food waste I saw in Victoria Street, Penang .
I still remember that I did many stupid things in college as I tried this and that. I failed here and there but I was given the opportunity to learn from failure to become a better version of myself. I know I may have disappointed some people when I was younger and also got backstabbed but I told myself that is normal for people who chase after success. I hated my life back then and one of them was my college lecturer who didn't like the way I do things because I did way different than the others. I don't like doing what the majority does. I always believe that I can be different and create different values for people to experience.
Life is too short to be one person and always stay at the comfort zone. Life is more than that. There is a whole world out there waiting for us to explore and we must continue to seek new skills and adventures like playing a video game. Life is supposed to be fun and fulfilling. However, when I hit hardship and asked for help, people often blame me that I have chosen this life and wanted hardship but I believe in entrepreneurship there are ups and downs which makes the adventure exciting. I been through so much hardship and can tell you countless stories that will shock you. The one and the only reason why I didn't give up is that I have given myself a time frame and made a promise to myself. That is what keeps me burning and marches forward no matter how many times life knocks me down. There have to be failures before success! That's the formula.
This is me and I know that the path that lies ahead of me is full of uncertainty but one thing for sure, I am not afraid of making choices because I am willing to face whatever hits me. Why? That is because, with more great experience, your story can continue to inspire more in the future once you have overcome them.
That's how I became different as a student who is always want to try something new and seek an adventure!